Last week it was revealed that Rush Limbaugh–in a joint effort with the NHL’s St. Louis Blues owner Dave Checketts–is interested in buying one of the worst teams in football; the St. Louis Rams.
This week, the inevitable happened: Rev. Al Sharpton wrote a letter to Commissioner Goodell expressing his concern. And just like that, the Rams are politicized. Congrats to the Rams, you’re making headlines for something other than how awful your team is. But I digress…
And as soon as this news hit the wire, there were too many jokes to count (personal favorite: the Rams will only run plays to the right).
Rush has said that, if the deal goes through, he’ll let Checketts actually run the team. So presumably Rush just wants to sit back and cash the checks like any good old fashioned fan of conservative free-market business, and all politics (and personal feelings) aside, there’s no reason why Rush shouldn’t be considered.
Hey, he’s got the money and he’s got that stereotypical overweight-sweaty-white-dude-chomping-on-a-cigar “owner” look; just like the album cover for Warrant’s “Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking Rich” album way back in 1989…I’m showing my age here.
But leaving politics at the door with Rush Limbaugh is like talking about the Oakland Raiders and Al Davis without making a joke about the Dark Side and Emperor Palpatine. It just can’t happen. So regardless of the NFL’s policy on giving every potential owner a fair shake no matter what, a move for Rush to buy the Rams just simply can’t be allowed.
Here’s a few random reasons why, and maybe a few extra things for Rush to chew on as well (I don’t think Rush has really thought this through):
1.) The NFL is a socialist business model:
Seriously, Rush, it is. I’m sure you might have noticed it back in 2003 during the two or three minutes you were on ESPN’s payroll before making a racially charged comment about Donovan McNabb and resigning. The NFL might use free-market practices to get into the owners’ clubhouse, but once you’re there, it’s a veritable “pinko parade” all the way to draft day.
Well over half of the NFL’s revenue generated from television is divided up amongst the league’s 32 teams. On game day, the home team shares a percentage of the gate sales with the visiting team, so even last year’s winless Detroit Lions were turning a dime.
In the NFL, failed businesses get all the cool stuff, like draft picks, so if you want to thrive as an NFL owner, you’ll need to accept the bailouts. And if you own the Rams, you’re gonna need them.
2.) The NFL has a lot of African-Americans.
I’m sure you’re aware of this, Rush, as you’ve stated before that “the NFL all too often looks like a game between the Bloods and the Crips without any weapons.” Classy, sure, but it doesn’t really matter if you’re a racist since, according to you, African Americans are only “12 percent of the population. Who the hell cares?”
Well Rush, if you’re in the NFL, that number jumps to around 65-70 percent. That’s a majority, and it might be a problem for you. I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t say, do or believe, but I’m just saying that if you build a career on looking down at a certain group of people that you eventually expect do to good things for you . . . that might not pan out too well. Those athletes get lots and lots of face time in the public eye, which brings me to a third problem you might face as an NFL owner.
3.) Chad Ochocinco
He runs his mouth a lot more efficiently than he runs a post pattern, but honestly, Rush, if you end up being an NFL owner, I will literally sit on the edge of my seat every Sunday and follow Ochocinco’s Twitter account religiously in hopes that he shoots his mouth off about you.
And it’s not even that I’m looking forward to what Chad has to say; I’m looking forward to how you’ll handle it. You see, Rush, once you own a team, Commissioner Goodell owns you. That’s right. You’ll have a boss. Someone who can investigate, fine and punish you for doing the things you’ve built a career on (including the pills, Rush).
Most of the menial little smart alec moves that Chad Ochocinco has pulled during his career has cost him lots of money. A tweet here, a dance there . . . whatever. Can you imagine–even as a partial owner of a team–what might have happened to you if you’d actually been associated with the NFL when you said, “The NAACP should have riot rehearsal. They should get a liquor store and practice robberies.”
Man, that would have been messy, eh? Here’s how the headline would have read: “St. Louis Rams owner slams NAACP.” There’d be a picture of you chomping on a stogie, and legions of sports analysts would have weighed in on that one. And I mean everyone. Ditka, Bradshaw, Berman, Golic, Greenberg, Wilbon, Whitlock, Kornheiser, Mariotti, Blackistone, Jim Rome, Gumbel . . . Tony Dungy.
And Rush, if Tony Dungy hates you, then God probably hates you, too. Tony Dungy is the Lord’s coach. Just ask Michael Vick . . . wait, on second thought, it’s probably a bad idea for you to ask Michael Vick anything. Better stay away from him if you want this job.
You’ll open yourself up to a whole new world of criticism if you do this, and you’ll have to sit there and be quiet while you try and thrive in a socialist system.
So whaddaya say, Rush? Is that worth it? Just to own . . . the Rams?